A Funny Thing Happened On The Way to Neverland...
by Audrey Brackett
Summary: What happens when you have just a little bit of fun with J.M. Barrie's characters...


Disclaimer: I don't own Peter Pan or any of the characters. Also, this is my own personal take (with the help of a theater group) on the Broadway production of Peter Pan. The lines spoken are from the play and not my own except where they deviate from the play's. If you've seen the show, you'll know...I couldn't write stuff that good. The chick who plays Jukes has spent a little too much time at rehearsals recently...and that's how this came about. This starts at Act III, Scene I of the play...as the curtain opens...on the deck of the Jolly Rodger...by the way, I have the Cathy Rigby version of the play. Also...don't read this without a sense of humor. I love Peter Pan dearly...and so do most of the others in my show (it's an off-off Broadway production!). We just...have fun with it...by the way, a lot of our pirates are played by females, which is why they're female in this.  
  
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Night had fallen in Neverland. The pirates had captured the lost boys, and all was well. Billie Jukes was taking advantage of the downtime and catching a nap. She'd sprawled out on the deck and had *just* drifted off when Cecco got the genius idea to join her. They took a few minutes getting comfortable...and just when they had...Starkey walked by, and woke them up. And now, Hook was talking...to Smee, presumably. Otherwise...he was talking to himself. And if he were talking to himself...Billie was going to bail out. She'd been through enough these past few days, since Wendy had come...she wasn't about to put up with a crazy captain.  
  
"How still the night is," Captain James Hook mused, pacing the deck. Smee followed, listening. Billie tried to tune them out and go back to sleep. It wasn't working. "Nothing seems alive. Now's the hour when children are home abed, their lips bright-browned with the goodnight chocolate, their tounges drowsily searching for crumbs housed insecurely upon their shining cheeks. Compare with them the captive children on this ship. Split me infinitives...but 'tis me hour of truimph! Peter killed at last and...Smee, what ARE you doing?"  
  
Smee shrugged innocently. "Nothing."  
  
Hook rolled his eyes. "All right, let's get on with it. Er...where were we? Oh, yeah. Who was Bluebeard?"  
  
**Here we go again,** Billie thought, sighing. She got up, joining her voice with the other crew members. "Nobody!" She walked to her place.  
  
"Who was Nero?"  
  
"Nobody!"  
  
"Who was...Jack the Ripper?"  
  
"Nobody!"  
  
Out of nowhere, a waltzy tune began to play. "We're gonna waltz again?" Billie hissed to Cecco.  
  
Cecco laughed, her brown eyes sparkling. "Tell me about it. Um...last time I checked, we were pirates, not fairies."  
  
"Darn right. We may be women, but we *sure* aren't ladies!"  
  
James Hook would never take an oportunity for granted. He began to sing along with the music, waltzing with Smee as he went. "Who's the dirtiest dog in the world?"  
  
"Captain Hook!" the pirates chorused obediently. "Captain Hook!"  
  
"Who's the slimiest slime in this wonderful world?"  
  
"Captain Hook! Captain Hoooooooook!"  
  
**He's mixing up the words again,** Billie thought. **Heaven help us!** She shrugged, and leaped into a turn...crashing into Cecco, who'd gone the wrong way. She stumbled backwards into Starkey, nearly knocking him over. Fortunately, the captain was far too busy remembering his own dance steps (not to mention the words to his song) to notice.   
  
"Captain of villany, murder and loot...eager to kill any who says that my hook isn't cute!"  
  
"It's cuuuuuuuuuuuute!" Smee and a few pirates shrieked.   
  
Smee glared at them. "That's *my* line!"  
  
They managed to get through most of the first half of the waltz without further incedent. Unfortunately...the mid-song monolouge remained. **Remember, Billie...cry...cry...**  
  
"Cry," she whispered to Cecco, who nodded.   
  
"Why do we always have to cry at this part?"  
  
"Fake it if you must. And I'm crying, I'm not having El Capitan over there getting upset at me!"  
  
"True. Er...if he wants to be hated, why does he even care that no one likes him?"  
  
Billie shrugged. "I dunno." She whipped up a few tears as Hook went on.   
  
"No little children love me. I'm told they play at Peter Pan...and the biggest and strongest always chooses to be Peter. They force the baby to play Hook. The *baby*! That's where the canker gnaws." Hook wandered away from Smee, and looked to Billie...who happened to be closest. "I'm told they find Smee loveable."  
  
Billie tried really hard not to laugh. She could see how this could happen...Smee was a riot when he wanted to be.   
  
Hook continued. "How can I break it to him that they find him loveable?" He turned, and paced back toward the center of the deck. "No! Bicarbonate of soda, no! Not *even*! Who's the slimiest?"  
  
"The slimiest!" the pirates echoed, abruptly dropping the weeping violins bit...and none too soon.   
  
"The swiniest?"  
  
"The swiniest!"  
  
"The doggiest?"  
  
"The doggiest!"  
  
Again, Hook was mixing up the lines, Billie was sure. But...just follow the man's lead, follow his lead...they finished the song, finally, and were able to get back to business.   
  
"Are all the prisoners unchained?" Hook asked.  
  
Smee grinned. "Ay, the little birds are."  
  
"Then hoist them up!"  
  
Mullins and Starkey went to do the task, while Smee supervised. Billie and the others found places on the deck to watch the action. The boys were tossed about onto the deck, huddling together.  
  
"Now, bullies," Hook began, speaking to the Lost Boys, "6 of you are about to walk the plank. But...I have room for 2 cabin boys. Which will it be?"  
  
One of the twins stood up. "Well...you see, sir...I don't think my mother would like me to be a pirate...what about you, Slightly?"  
  
Slightly joined him. "I don't know. What about you, Nibs?"  
  
"Well..." Nibs stammered, "I...I...I..don't..."  
  
"Stow that gab!" Hook yelled, causing Billie and the others to jump in alarm. That wrath could just as easily have been turned on them, and they knew it all too well.  
  
The scene continued for a bit...Hook tried to convince Michael to join the cause, but then goody-good John opened his big mouth about being faithful to the flag...they hauled Wendy out...  
  
"Silence, all...for a mother's last words to her sons," Hook announced.  
  
"Dear, dear boys," Wendy began, "these are my last words."  
  
"Thank you, that's enough," Hook cut her off.  
  
Then that terrible tick-tocking started again. As it passed, Hook and his pirates sighed in relief.  
  
"Thought I was frightened, eh?" Hook taunted the boys. "How'd you like a touch of the cat before you walk the plank? Fetch the cat, Jukes, it's in the cabin."  
  
Billie grinned. "Aye, Captain." She paused in front of the door. "Now wait just a damn minute here."  
  
"Problem?" Hook asked.  
  
"Yeah!" Billie exclaimed. "I'm gonna go in there and I'm gonna get killed. Captain, sir."  
  
"I need that cat," Hook pleaded.   
  
"You don't get it anyway. You read the script? I mean, it'd be one thing if I were mauled by a actual feline. But stabbed by Peter Pan when I was looking for a *whip*? A cat-o-nine tails? C'mon, I could die a little more heroically."  
  
"We can't go anywhere with the plot unless you go in there," Smee said.   
  
Billie sighed. "All *right*. But I swear, I'm coming back to haunt you."  
  
She went in, screamed, and slipped behind the black curtain...the shocked cry of "Bill Jukes dead?!" echoing behind her. Why they were so surprised, she couldn't fathom...she hated it when they called her Bill. She didn't even wait for Cecco...she sat down in the area they called "backstage". Mrs. Darling was waiting.  
  
"Who killed Cecco?" she asked.  
  
Billie shrugged. "Peter, I s'pose."  
  
"No, I did...but don't tell anyone. Truth is, I'm married to Captain Hook. It's quite the scandal, you know..."  
  
The fight had started, Billie could hear. There were several Indians cheering for Peter...*really* cheering. She could hear them...  
  
"Pump up the volume, pump up the bass...Peter's gonna rock this place!"  
  
"That flushing sound you hear is their careers in cheerleading going down the toilet," Mrs. Darling whispered snidely. Billie giggled.  
  
"You should've been at The Crucible," Mrs. Darling whispered. "We were singing 'I Will Survive' in the dressing room..."  
  
Billie reached up to take off her headscarf, shaking her hair free, put the sword away, and suddenly became ordinary Kathryn Ravvin, amateur actress. "You're kidding, Rae."  
  
"I'm not. Anyhow, I gotta tell you about..." Underneath the Mrs. Whatever-Her-First-Name-Does-She-Even-Have-One Darling costume was Rae Leanski, another actress. Alas, they had come, after a time, to realize that Hook and the pirates they weren't...just people playing them. And having the time of their lives doing it. And also taking a bit much liberty at rehearsals when the director wasn't around.   
  
Of course they were just acting. After all, everyone knew that the *real* Hook and his pirates were in Neverland, still fighting with Peter Pan and the Indians...  
  
"Cause that's my home where dreams are born, and time is never planned...  
Just think of lovely things, and your heart will fly on wings...  
Forever, in Never-Never Land..."  
  
  



End file.
